When You Know Who Is Your Beloved…

It’s a joke between my husband and I as to how many came before him. Although there were years with a “steady” and a broken engagement that brought relief. Many who said, “you have to meet my friend”, that proved not to be. So, when do you know who your beloved is? You know. Selecting a mate is not for the faint hearted.

On my schedule of classes to high schoolers was a Marriage and Family Relationships class added. My advice to them for selecting a mate to be their partner in life was ALWAYS—don’t settle for…ending with a list of what those things were:

• partners who are controlling.
• those who are abusive–emotionally, physically, or sexually.
• others who don’t have your shared faith and belief system.
• not having shared interests.
• future plans and goals that are different.
• parenting styles that are opposite.
• someone who doesn’t see you for who you are or wants to change you.
• red signs that are blaring and glaring as you begin a relationship.

I could see what their dating relationship was when students walked through my door. By a casual “walk them to the door” escort or conversations or change in personality, I saw what they were experiencing.

So many of those scenarios I had been through.

Experienced abuse or those wanting to change me or exhibiting control issues and differing faiths and beliefs.

You see, I was about over trying to “find my person” at the end of my college senior year. It had just become all too hard. Perhaps, I was just too much for someone. Too serious or different or whatever.

My cousin had just gone through a bad divorce and about once a week during that last spring senior semester, would come for coffee with our feet together under a diner booth and just talk. And I would listen. He was devastated. My response was always–“God wants you to have the right mate and that home you desire and He’ll provide that for you.” Thankfully, that happened with a wonderful family produced.

My graduation day came and that cousin came to help me move home, packing and loading and toting things to my car. In the conversation out the door came, “I have someone I want you to meet….the only thing is…he’s been married before. An unfaithful wife like me.”

Dang it! I was stuck!

There was no way I could say to that favorite cousin that I wasn’t interested in marrying someone who had been married before! Nope. Couldn’t say that. Out of my mouth came, “sure, I’d love to meet him if you think he’s a great person for me.”

Forty six years ago was that meeting.

Yep. It’s been that long…I see you calculating my age!

I saw something different in this new relationship. All of those things on that list above? I checked all of those problem areas off.

He wasn’t controlling or abusive. There was the same faith system and priorities of things that were important and shared interests. Now, mind you, there was a lot he loved that I had never experienced before…like, water skiing or jet skiing, or snow skiing or even roller skating.

He was good at ALL of them and happy to take me along as a new student.

Some of them I was not very good at…but, then, it was so fun learning to do them all with him.

It didn’t take but a few weeks for me to know he was “my person”. Nine months later came the proposal and one year of dating and our wedding day arrived.

Can I tell you how truly thankful and blessed I am to have chosen him as my mate and to have shared life and children and faith with this man?

I simply CANNOT imagine life without him.

There has been financial loss and health issues; the loss of all of our parents and his twin; changes in jobs and homes and churches with babies and dogs thrown in the middle.

If you truly sat with your feet under my table and heard our life’s story, you might have to sit with your hand propping your chin that might drop from surprise. The story of our life together has been eventful.

But, faithfulness has reigned in our marriage.

Commitment to each other and putting God in the center of every decision.

Has it been easy? No.

So many bumps in the road.

So, how have you done with selecting a mate? a partner in life?

Some people have shared that they just aren’t good at “picking”. I get it. Been there and done that and so grateful that I was spared from making the wrong choice in a partner for life.

As we travelled these years together with knowing that this man was my beloved, there are several things that I have learned:

About every seven years the dynamic and environment of your marriage will change. Whether getting accustomed to one another and baby years the first seven; elementary kids the next seven; for us, it was teenagers and changes in homes and businesses during the next seven; sending kids off to college and empty nesters finding each other the next seven; and then retirement in the next years. Grandchildren were then added in the mix. Perhaps that has happened to you.

Focus on each other more than yourself. Learn how to do that. We have each taken our role in doing this and often one has been better at it than the other…but, a priority other than yourself is imperative. Even in gift giving, focus on each other is a must. I’m sure many of you loved last year’s Mother’s Day gift he created for me. He’s a keeper.

Truly become one. Can I tell you that neither of us ever lost ourselves in this process? But, becoming like minded and communicating is vital to making sure that you are doing together in life and not down separate roads where the other is not on that road with you. Trust me.

Communicate. THEN Communicate. AND Communicate some more… We have always done that. Have we walked away at times from a heated conversation? YES! But, always, we have come back quickly to talk everything through; even if it only meant to agree to disagree. It’s comical that at times others have observed in amazement that we always resolve things.

Take the time to understand how the other views life. Early in our marriage we discovered two different personality style books that made a huge difference in understanding each other. The Five Love Languages of understanding what you and the other person need was a great one. Then there’s another book, Discover Your Children’s Gifts and Discover Your God Given Gifts by Don and Katie Fortune, that was so important to us that when my husband hosted a “Walking the Walk” talk show on a local radio station, that he interviewed many people who fit into each of the seven motivational gifting styles. This book was the basis I used with the secular version of the test in my high school classes and talk about life changing for them…and even for me as their teacher to understand what “motivated” them. Don’t be fooled with the Children’s Gifts in the title…it is by far my favorite over the adult version…but my husband loves the adult version better. Knowing your personality and how it causes you to respond in situations and understanding others was the best discovery we found and continually use.

Make sure your faith and belief systems are in agreement. This is paramount in navigating life, decisions, goals, parenting and all areas of your life. Talk about this from the beginning. If there is a gut feeling of doubt, move on. Priorities have to be in agreement. Putting God first in every decision and choice was never in question with us. I simply can’t imagine our life without that focus.

Talk about parenting styles. Don’t wait until those kids arrive to find out that you disagree on how to parent. It is of utmost importance in raising emotionally happy and healthy children. They also have to know that you are in the parenting TOGETHER. Not asking one over the other. Teamwork was always of ultimate importance to us. Even priorities on standards and how to respond to any given situation was a part of the discussion.

Talk about commitment and the importance of that to you and each other.

Talk about heart issues and things that are concerns. Share everything. I realize that may be a new concept; but, for us, it has been vital.

Keep romance a priority. Period. Date nights. Special getaways. Moments set aside.

How have you done in selecting a mate?

I hope that you have done well in the “selecting a mate” department.

The longer we are together the more passionate about our relationship and each other we become.

Every moment is becoming more treasured as we grow older together.

What other things would you add???

As we celebrate 45 years of marriage today, I am thankful. Truly thankful and blessed.

May you be blessed and thankful in that department, too, friends.

***As an Amazon Affiliate, I have attached links to find those books we have loved. A perfect gift for weddings or anniversaries or even just having a great read. Giving you an added convenience at no additional cost for you…and may help with costs of continuing this blog.