What Makes the Art of Friendship?

You’d think at my age that the word “true friendship” wouldn’t appear across the screen and title of a blog post, would you?

But, something keeps tugging at my heart to share this.

During the years in the front of a classroom of high schoolers sharing relationships and “true friendship”, you’d think that as I turned the key to that classroom one last time, I’d be finished sharing.

Right?

So, why now?

True Friendship.

Why would those two words appear to be of importance now.

Perhaps it’s because as we grow older some of those traits of true friendship change a little bit.

There are lots of quotes about friendship. But, some of those look a little different now. Some, that perhaps, don’t describe what it may actually look like.

The traits of true friendship evolve as we grow older.

When we were in elementary? Here is what we might have thought of friendships…

• people who were perhaps more like us.
• those we felt comfortable being around.
• things in common that put us into the same settings…church, sports, hobbies, clubs.

Middle school provided bumps in the road to the above traits of friendship.

High school was a hurdle that moved us. Often into different groups, friends, and belief systems.

Some friends who had stayed with us since infancy moved on.

Other friends changed opinions and friends routinely so you didn’t know who they were anymore.

College launched us into a whole new group of people from sororities, clubs and majors. And at graduation, we all left to the four corners with only an occasional wedding invitation or Christmas card as a reminder that there was once a friendship there.

Did that happen to you?

Then adult traits of friendship changed again.

• Friendships were developed with parents of kids in sports, hobbies, and musical events.
• Church groups changed and added different friends to the mix.
• Then there were moves away from childhood friends and college friends that caused a vast expanse.
• Phone calls, visits and get togethers were not as frequent to keep relationships intact.

Why do I bring this up now?

Because a sense of community, belonging, friendship and connection is an important aspect of our lives. We do better with others supporting us and in turn, supporting them.

Early in married life, the distraction of raising children, maintaining a household and then later adding in a full time job, created gaps in nurturing those relationships.

Did you have that happen to you, too?

But, there’s another aspect of friendship that I need to mention here.

Maybe you, too, have dealt with these traits of friendships.

Trait #1- Reciprocation

Look for friends who initiate as much as you do. This could be for phone calls to check on you, birthday remembrances, taking care of you when you are ill or have lost a family member.

This one is one of my BEST friends…she will outgive you EVERY time…bless you…go beyond even if months go by without seeing or talking. She is LOVED more than she can ever imagine. She’s truly “Martha Stewart” and I’ve shared her recipes and joy before on this blog.

The opposite of this trait? Finding yourself initiating more than the friend gives in return.

Has that happened to you? A type of friendship where you are the only one checking in on the other? Initiating conversation or lunches or Christmas cards or birthday gifts?

I have found that I possess that trait of friendship. Often, giving more than is returned.

And that makes this trait often a hard one to handle. It leaves you feeling that perhaps your friendship is just not as important to the other person as it is to you.

Trying to figure that out is exhausting. Right?

And quite honestly, after a while, the friendship slows to infrequency and care for either one.

Leaving the engagement in their court can be a hard journey to navigate.

Perhaps COVID threw that one into full swing…friendships that engaged may have trickled…which brings loss and sadness.

My best advice is to adjust my expectations for myself and others and accept those types of relationships for what they are.

Trait #2- Longevity

Time doesn’t matter. You pick up where you left off even if there are years in between.

Aren’t these the best kind of friends?

“True friends are never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart.” — Unknown

Friends who can pick up right where you left off. It makes my heart happy when this happens.

This BFF fits all of the traits of friendship…but…since we have been best friends since were 6?! Beth wins the friendship longevity award. Loyalty, reciprocation and longevity all rolled into one friend. Visits and lunches and texts and calls are still the BEST with her. I’m always in awe of her creativity and talents.

Her opinion, advice and unending support are like no one else. She simply understands and loves me no matter what. I think at times, perhaps she knows me better than I know myself. Priceless.

“I still have friends from primary school. And my two best girlfriends are from secondary school. I don’t have to explain anything to them. I don’t have to apologize for anything. They know. There’s no judgment in any way.” — Emma Watson

Trait #3- Loyalty

True friends are loyal.

They will stand with you and by you to defend and support you. True friends encourage you in whatever endeavor, award, job or success you find yourself. They can be trusted to be your number one cheerleader.

True friends challenge you to grow…and actively listen.

Defending you in conversations. Not talking about you behind your back.

Honesty given if asked for; but, not focusing on your faults, but your strengths.

No jealousy for this trait of friendship.

Perhaps just being there for you or praying for you when there are bumps in the road.

“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark than walk alone in the light.” — Helen Keller

Do you see the three of us as our cruise ship set sale last fall? These are two of my three sisters who laughed and talked and loved our time together on that cruise…they are the most loyal friends that I have. They are on the sidelines cheering me on! Being honest with me and reminding me to take care of myself.

Do you have precious friends like that?

The memories that we have since childhood never stopped…we just continue to create new memories as we grow older.

And this baby sister just is the BEST to share laughter with? Deep laughter that cleanses the soul! Such a great characteristic of friendship.

Trait #4- No Hidden Agenda

True friends don’t choose the friendship based on “what have you done for me lately” or other “hidden agendas”.

Can I tell you that occasionally business and friendship mixes well. I have the BEST friends who were found in a blogging group who are genuinely some of my favorites. We have prayed for each other and encouraged and supported each other through good and difficult days.

A gift of a handmade bound recipe book..cheerleading each other from so many in this group…endless blogging questions answered…engagement and interaction…and sharing prayer concerns and answered prayers with so many in this group has been priceless.

Absolutely the best support ever.

But often business and friendships don’t mix.

Have you had friends that gave you the feeling that the friendship was needed for monetary gain? Creativity offered?

I’m sure you can fill in the blank here with what others have needed to “gain” from your friendship. It often leaves you feeling that you can’t buy enough of their “sales” or “provide services needed” to be their friend.

Perhaps it’s someone who offers a professional business, sales, or service that you may not use.

Treading on eggshells to “buy into” all of it can become tragic.

Haven’t we all had friend requests on Facebook that we found out later it was just for you to “buy their products”?

At times even flattering your talents by inviting you to join them in groups because all of the other members need relief with your involvement. I’ve seen that happen often in adulthood. Have you?

Trait #5- Kind & Respectful

Perhaps one of my favorite traits of true friends. How difficult is it to be kind? Respectful even if you disagree on issues?

I’ve lost two friends in the past couple of years who carried those characteristics…oh, how they are missed and memories treasured.

Cathy and I had parents who were best friends and had business ventures together. From tiny girls, we met occasionally and peeked in and out of each other’s lives. She was even a former college roommate. This photo was taken at our last AQS Quilt Show together. How she is missed by many.

And even though this photo is not the best…this friend who has left me had to be included among the characteristics of friendship.

Regular breakfasts with Jenna shared with feet under our table were priceless. This writer was my cheerleader for this blog and my writing on the VUE magazine…oh, how her kindness and love are missed.

Who am I describing on YOUR friend list?

There have been times when I think God has moved friends in and out of my life. Sweet memories are treasured from some of those.

I have learned to listen to God’s guidance when it’s time to add space between others who may not bring out the best for my well being. Difficult decisions to step away from people in my life has brought grief and tears.

Perhaps you have had the same in your life. Challenging at best.

My list is too long to include all who are meaningful to me now here.

Can I tell you that friends and relationships are so needed? Finding those who encourage you and are kind, loyal, honest and true are treasures. Giving back to others is not only a gift, but vitally needed for all of us. Learning to navigate friendship as we grow older is still an art form I’m learning.

Who knew?

May those cherished friends find their feet under your table for time well spent.

Hope your friendships are long, deep, meaningful and rewarding.

May you be blessed with many,